2020, the audacity

 Hi,

I'm back from the dead. I just realized that I hadn't published anything here in over 2 years. No, I didn't stop writing, It's just everything I've written in the past couple of years was deeply personal and I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish it on the internet. Hopefully, I can gather up enough courage to actually publish it one day. Until then, I'm just gonna write about whatever comes to mind.

Urgh, 2020 am I right? I don't even know where to start. January started out as an absolute dream. I started university, which happened rather quickly but it was definitely the right move for me. I'm so passionate about what I do and dare I say, I might even be really good at it. I've met so many new people and have made some amazing friends as well. Which came as a surprise as I didn't expect to find people that I actually click with right off the bat. So I'm so grateful for the universe for aligning my path with theirs. I got to spend some time with my best friend/soul sister when she came to visit for a few days from Sydney. She was supposed to return later on in the year but those plans disappeared real fast right in front of our eyes. But still, at least I got to see her and spend some time with her this year. 

And let's not forget that this is my 21st year, so this year was supposed to be lit. But it ended up being a complete shitshow. For the majority of this year, I've been at home. I'd say it was an adjustment that I dreaded, but at first, the introvert in me loved the peace and quiet. I finally had enough time to do stuff, I didn't have to worry about getting ready and going out for the day, I had time to get my work done, read, spend some quality time with my family. It was amazing. But sadly, that only lasted a month, maybe two at max. It quickly turned into boredom and anxiety. I was missing the outside world, my source of inspiration. I was drained and I wasn't inspired to work. I missed my friends, I missed going out, most of all I missed the dumb regrettable stuff that we'd do together. And you know what I was sick of the most? My room. The sight of my room made me want to jump off a balcony. But surprisingly, I've not had any mental breakdowns this year (trimming my hair impulsively in the middle of the night aside, of course). I'm definitely counting that as *growth*. Huh, I wonder if this is what adults feel when they're forced to keep it together. I know I'm an adult, but what I mean is adultier adults.

Anyway, as the days turned into weeks and the sense of time was slowly slipping between my fingers, the only reason why I even knew what day it was, was because of assignment submissions. If it wasn't for those I'd have been a ball of anxiety in human form just floating around in time and space. No seriously, I binged watched ALL of Gilmore girls within the span of like two weeks. I'm a weird person who has to have the tv on when I'm working for background noise. So when I was frantically working to finish up one of my projects, Gilmore girls was playing nonstop, and needless to say my brother hated me for it and couldn't wait to get me out of the house. Honestly, I feel bad for the poor idiot. Not only is he stuck at home too, but he also has to put up with me. We've definitely grown a lot closer this year. I mean I hate to admit it but he is fun to be around. A pain in the ass that randomly barges into my room, turns on/off all the lights, moves stuff around, and leaves the door slightly open, but still fun.

In all seriousness, I know that we all feel a little lost right now. We're all scared and filled with anxiety, wondering when everything will go back to normal, if ever. For me, it just feels like every time I start thinking maybe everything's gonna be okay, it gets worse. But nevertheless, I'm not losing hope. Because even though this year may have had the audacity to test us beyond our limits, we have to fight harder. Some of us more than others. I wish I knew why some have it easy while others suffer. I know I'm a spoilt brat living a privileged life, talking about something I barely understand myself. I wish there was more I could do. So I've been volunteering a lot more as a listener for people around the world with depression, anxiety, and just going through a tough time in general. It really pains me to say that this year has really taken a toll on so many people. There're people stuck in abusive homes, some don't have a stable income anymore, lives are lost and the problems some are facing right now are unimaginable. It gives me a little bit of comfort knowing maybe I'm helping a little by being there to talk it out. Because when I'm not feeling like myself, it actually helps when I rant to my friends about it (shoutout M). So if you're going through a tough time, please reach out to someone and talk it out. It'll help more than you'd think.

And I know that everyone's hopeful that the new year will bring us some peace and it probably won't be all smooth sailing but that hope is good, that hope keeps us going. It's okay to feel frustrated, sad, uncertain, and alone, but we can't lose hope. Good things are coming.

Stay safe out there everyone!

Love,

Dilky